Happy Friday! Hope some of y’all are taking off and starting the weekend early…I have a lot to finish up before that happens, but here’s hoping! Do you guys mind if I end the week with a little reflection on a topic that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately? I’d just really like to get your thoughts and advice, especially from any of you who have already been there, done that. Now that I’m past the halfway mark in my pregnancy, thoughts are turning more towards life after delivery, and I’m wondering: How do you prioritize the relationship with your partner after baby? I know that things will inevitably change with this new season of life, and I totally welcome that, but it’s important to me that Adam and I grow closer through this shared experience instead of allowing sleepless nights and stressful moments to dampen the soul-mate connection that we share right now.
My friend Natasha wrote about this report exploring what happens when “Baby Makes Three,” taking a cold, hard look at the couples who don’t experience parenthood as an obstacle to marital happiness. So what’s their secret? The study identifies ten aspects of contemporary relationships (like generosity, shared housework and sexual satisfaction) that boost these couples’ odds of successfully combining marriage and parenthood. Interesting.
There’s no doubt that parenthood will be a transformative event for both of us. But how can we celebrate our new bundle of joy in a way that, rather than sacrificing what we have as a couple, enhances it? Instead of the “decline in global happiness and marital satisfaction” that, the report states, is experienced by the majority of couples. I’m pretty sure that spending quality time together – without baby – is a key factor. And I can imagine that when lack of sleep and new housework and child-rearing routines arrive, sharing the responsibility and working as a team is crucial. But what else? I’d love to hear thoughts and experiences from all of you…anything y’all have done that has helped you prioritize your relationship with your partner and make it even better after baby?
*image: Robyn Thompson
Hello there Camille. I love your blog. I just found it on google as I was searching for Italian Honeymoons (weird) lol
Anyways, I saw you had your honeymoon in Italy and I was wondering if you would recommend it to my fiance and I. We are getting married in April 2013 exactly 1 year from now but I am already planning the Honeymoon. I am a traveler myself, and I’ve been to a lot of European countries, including Italy (Rome and Venice) But my fiance have never left the States. So for his first time, I was thinking maybe somewhere Italy (Capri looks beautiful) So if you could please give me a recommendation of the best place to go and best hotel and just tell me a little bit more of your experience, I’d really appreciate it. Because I heard people in Capri are very rude.
Thank you so much.
xoxo, Caroline
Hi Caroline – I can’t recommend Capri highly enough… it was amazingly, stunningly beautiful, and I found the people there to be super warm and welcoming. The best food I’ve had in my life! We stayed at Capri Palace, and it was heaven. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
Seeing my husband doing such a great job as a dad was one of the things the most turned me on
Setting time aside for only the 2 of you is important. Making extra efforts to give some attention to each other is essencial too.
Hi Camille,
I addressed a little of this in my book (dying to hear what you thought of it, by the way!) but I’ll reiterate a few thoughts here for everyone:
1) New mom’s group – a great place to share many of the daily ups and downs of parenting. It makes you a much saner person (!) when your partner walks in the door and wants to scoop up the baby or DOESN’T scoop up the baby when all you want is 15 minutes alone to take a shower (it goes both ways, depending on his day). I learned a lot about letting off steam before my husband came home; then I was more ready to be close to him rather than unleash pent up frustrations.
2) Take more walks. This has so many benefits: calming down baby, allowing you both to de-stress and get a chance to take deep breaths (much easier to do outside, I think).
3) Dinner prep at nap-time (if you are not sleeping yourself which you should do whenever possible – stock up on breakfast foods for last minute ‘breakfast for dinner’ meals).
I’ve got a few more but don’t want to take up all your comment space. Email me offline if you want to chat more.
All the best,
kathy
Thanks Kathy – these are such helpful and PRACTICAL tips… definitely storing them all!
Hi Camille,
Great post which poses an important question. I myself do not have kids yet but the hubby and I are currently trying to start a family. In preparing for having a family one day, I confide a lot in my cousins who have kids of their own and have a ver strong relationship with their partners even after the kids (multiple). Regarding this topic here is their advice:
-Know that there will be times of total “i cant do this anymore” expect it and know that its going to be ok. Dont get scared by it, just know that the both of you may feel like this because adding a +1 to your family is hard hard work and that it will getter better as the both of you slowly start getting used to the new duties that the bundle of joy bring….and ITS WORTH IT!
- Communicate communicate communicate and be open about what is going on and how the other can help
- Dont focus on the things that you may not have time for and know that you can still do all of these things…and you actively should try to still do these things. It will just be a little different or not as frequent: ie, travel, go out with friends, dates, pampering
- As much as it is emphasized to make time for each other and go on dates (sooo important), make time for yourself to do something on your own seperately, outside the house. For example, a dinner with the girlfriends, hubby playing golf with the dudes etc. The time apart will give your mind, your body a break to think about something different for little while.
- Set aside time each week to reflect with your hubby and baby in your arms, on what was so awesome this week and what were the little mini “aww” moments that made you just beam inside and say “someone pinch me”. It will help you refocus on why this is such a joyus time in your life.
Hope these tips from my family help! Congrats btw…you will be awesome parents!!
xoxo
Annaliese
Oh Yes Camille, I understand your concerns completely. The Hubby and I are both 30 and have a 7 year old and a 18 month old. We’ve learned over the years that “us” time and even time for ourselves either alone or with friends is essential to staying sane! We of course love our cheeseball boys, they are each an exact replica of our younger selves, but we enjoy having our alone time too, to canoodle and check out Adult only things in the city.
You just have to find a balance and a good support system, I barter babysitting nites with my friends for date nights and we are lucky to have such great parents and siblings.
What is even greater is we are big kids at heart and love finding things to do and discovering new places in NYC with our boys. The first few months will be tough unless you luck out with a baby that sleeps through the night but it’s all possible: Over the last 7yrs. I managed to work full time as a teacher, juggle my graduate program, while keep the romance going with the hubby {try to see past the dirty diapers and dishes in the sink sometimes}, travel somewhere out of NYC once a year, spend time with my besties while battling active Crohns disease, started my blog all while being an active involved parent {in no way easy, but doable} l’m Loving your site, many blessings + congrats on your expected lil one!
whoa Danielle! three cheers for you and cheers to all moms. I’m sorry Camille I have no advice as I am not married and do not have kids, but that is one thing that I’ve been struggling with… keeping yourself and your other together, happily! I’m enjoying all the answers
Congrats to you and Adam <3
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Danielle… it was super encouraging to me (and many others, I’m sure!) and let me just say – you are one amazing woman!!!
Hi Camille!
This is an area that we struggled with, especially with our first child. My husband was working full time and started business school the day after our son was born leaving me at home alone, a LOT.
As you said, finding time to be alone (even if it’s just at home on the patio with a glass of wine) and special date nights are crucial. It’s easy for time to fly by and then your realize you haven’t had a real conversation with your spouse in weeks or even months.
A few other things we try to remember in our house…
1. Compliment your spouse. It doesn’t have to just be on appearance. It can be anything!
2. Thank your spouse for their family contributions. Everyone wants to fell appreciated. Thank them for being the primary provider for the family (our case) or something as small as giving the kids a bath or taking out the trash.
3. Find time for yourself as individuals. Support one another in your hobbies and continue doing what you love. For me, it’s my weekly yoga class. For my husband, it’s golf. Maintaining your sense of self is crucial to a relationship, especially a new mom. We give SO much to our families.
4. Leave love notes. Here’s our quick and easy way of making this happen every day!
http://www.yoursouthernpeach.com/2012/02/love-notes.html
(not trying to promote my blog just easier to show you
I look forward to reading everyone else’s suggestions! Great topic and one other book that helped me “love” my spouse more effectively was the book “Five Love Languages.” I highly recommend it if you haven’t already!
Thanks Amy – especially love your tips about thanking and complimenting your spouse. So important, but I’m sure they’re easy things to let slide when you’re feeling overwhelmed or zapped of energy.
Camille,
My husband and I will be starting a family soon as well. I wanted to share the book, “Bringing up Bebe” with you…which has been getting a lot of press lately…and for good reason. It is a wonderful memoir about french parenting and has really helped me put the typical american parenting styles in perspective. One of the foundations of french parenting is keeping your feet on the ground…not letting the new little one take over all aspects of your life, including your love life. As americans, we tend to thrust ourselves head first into motherhood, abandoning all other aspects of our identities….while French mothers manage to still keep a balance. I think that is the key to having a healthy relationship with your spouse when the little one comes along….finding a new balance, and making time for the two of you a priority.
Camille, our pediatrician, during our first office visit, urged us to get a babysitter no less than once a month so we could have time to ourselves. He explained that in the end, we would be better parents by making this time for ourselves. I have found that it also helps you enjoy your time with the little one more too. Olivia had colic awful for 3 months. She screamed from the moment she woke up until the moment she went to bed. It was very stressful for us. I employed the help of my mom and my mother-in-law ALOT to keep us sane. People always say this but it’s true, you really need to rest while baby is sleeping at least for the first month. You will be up throughout the night and you will need your energy. In hindsight, I wish I would have employed a housekeeper to come clean once a week in the beginning because I like a clean house and spent more time than I should have cleaning. I should have been relishing the few good moments we had there in the beginning. Good luck! I’m sure you will learn your own tricks once baby arrives!
Hey Camille,
I am an avid reader of your blog and had a baby in the first year of marriage after moving from Pakistan. had no help and had never held a newborn before and if you have read/seen “the help” I came from the elite circle so was used to 10 ppl doing everything for me. Here is what you need to do in a nutshell based on my experiences
1) Read “and baby makes three”. It will put a lot of things into perspective
2) There will be days you will hate yourself/baby/partner, know that its a part and parcel of new parenting and the phase will pass
3) You will have no/low sex drive but again that is a passing phase
4) Get help. Nanny, friends, family whoever and take time out so you are relaxed and feel “normal” before your partner comes home so you don’t have a meltdown infront of him and then go for a date.
5) Read “the baby whisperer”, “happiest baby on the block” so you have a heads up on newborns. The hospital classes arent enough.
6) Hang out with new mommies so you are prepared for what lays ahead. The better grip you will have on things the less affected your relationship will be.
7) Walk or workout. My doctor said that is the alternative to anti depressants.
8) if you are choosing to breast feed. make sure you pump and the baby can take a bottle. Some like to nurse every 2 hours and that interrupts dates!
I wish u the very best and I hope you have a calm and sweet baby who sleeps more and feeds less. Mine was the reverse lol
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I say watch out for “new mommy” groups. Like you, I had my first baby in Austin, and the new mommy group I fell in with was so into attachment parenting that they always made me feel guilty like I wasn’t ever doing enough for my baby. I just think sometimes new mothers all get together and work themselves into a tizzy over such minor things. Seriously, all the drama and debates over baby wearing vs strollers and bottles vs breast and vaccination paranoia, etc really made me insane the first year or two when I should’ve been happy and relaxing with my sweet baby. I don’t know if Austin is still this way, but there’s a heads up for you.
That is great advice Sarah – I am sooo with you, and definitely something I’ll watch out for…
Hi Camille. Just love reading your blog here in the UK. My darling husband and I became parents for the first time 4 years ago, and then 13 months after Lois arrived, baby Elsa did too! So we had VERY little time, but here are the precious things we learnt. 1. Be generous to your partner. With your love, your time, your smiles, your forgiveness, your patience. Always give them the benefit of the doubt, because the tired ‘fog’ can blur even the best intentioned actions. 2. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Discuss both of your needs daily i.e. I REALLY need a shower, can you please come home 10 mins early or could you PLEASE do all the night feeds as I have such an important presentation to do tomorrow. Your context changes twenty times a day (along with your moods, and your physical needs), so its important to communicate little but often (and sorry to state the obvious, but listening in that time as well as talking). 3. Remind yourselves of why you’re doing this in the first place. Your commitment to yourselves as a couple, the promises you made before you got married and why you decided to expand your family in the first place. Then when the tiredness and soreness hits, you can remind your self this was a choice, and the tiredness will pass with light at the end of the tunnel (I seem to remember reciting this mantra between the 1am and 4am feeds on a regular basis!). 4. Kiss. Even if you have time for nothing else during the day, have a lovely, heartstopping kiss with your partner to reconnect – it can say so much more than words.
Hope you are enjoying every minute of your pregnancy, and when your beautiful baby arrives, enjoy every moment because they are golden moments.
All best wishes and love from the UK
Jenni
x
Hi Camille! Such a good question! So many women blog while pregnant and I can honestly say I have not seen anyone address this issues and it is just that an issue! I have a 12 month old son and I feel that me and my Husband are just starting to find our way back to each other. It was SUCH a shock, the lack of sleep and downtime instead of helping each other we found ourselves pointing fingers at who should be doing what and when. You dont know how many time we said ” I was up THIS many times last night and you were only up this many” SOO we just went around in cirlces
1.Find a sitter you trust { if you dont trust the sitter you will not enjoy the date } do a date night as often as possible
2. I would get so mad when he walked in the door and took his time jumping in to help with our son so we addressed this issue with making this the start of my “mommy time” I go upstairs for 30 minutes and just do anything most nights I take a shower
3. Make Mommy Friends, it is SO SO important to be able to vent to other Mothers about the up and downs of mommyhood because they just understand SO much better than Husband and that is OK. Husband aren’t going to be able to always relate to us fully..
4. This last one was HUGE for me, I just realized that I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM and it is my job to take care of my son daily realizing this and accepting that most days I am going to take on the brunt of the work helped me stop resenting my Husband while I was doing it and instead start enjoying it because the infant needy stage goes by so so quick!
Im so excited for you!! Did you end up getting any of the DVF stuff from Baby Gap?
Jen
Keep sharing.
My husband and I just read “Bringing Up BeBe” since we both have the same concerns. Although we won’t conduct everything verbatim, it is quite useful in structuring your lives so that connection with your partner stays in tact. I know we both feel more confident now!
This is something that you’re going to have to work at continuously. Even when the baby is older! Your life is going to get turned upside down when the baby comes, and that is OKAY because it’s totally worth it. Just know that you’re going to have to figure out your new “normal” (don’t spend your energy trying to get “back to normal” because life has completely changed).
I think when you have very small children, it’s important to schedule time to spend as a couple, without the baby. Even try to NOT talk about the baby when you’re out together! Also, it’s going to be so important that you keep your own interests, keep spending time with your girlfriends (without the baby if possible!), and purposely do things to help you keep your own sense of self. In other words, don’t let your life be consumed by your new baby
Your marriage is the foundation of your family, so I think the absolute BEST thing you can do for your family is to keep your marriage strong and vital. I think that the fact that you’re already thinking about the importance of prioritizing your relationship with your husband means you’re on the right track!
Wow, I bet that trying not to “talk” about the baby is really tough in the early days because you are so in love… but I’ve noticed already how easy it is for conversations to be dominated by baby talk, and I can imagine that’s it will be important for my husband and I to have times where we discuss other things going on in our lives and in the world like we did before baby. Great advice Melissa!!
Hello Camille! I’ve been reading you for a while and I can’t say how much I love your site. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have a 9 year old daughter. Everybody’s comments are right on the dot, but I would like to add one more thing. My mother has always taught me to put my husband first and to treat him like he’s the most important person, and vice versa. Of course the kids will need your attention too, but you must first give your attention to your husband. The kids will follow naturally. Plus, you’ll only have your children until they are old enough to go to college and then you’re alone with your husband, so it’s important to keep each other at the top of the list. Plus, when you’re children are old enough to understand your relationship, they will thank you for the way you kept your relationship a priority because they will do the same when they get married. That’s what happened to us. Hope this somewhat helps.
oh camille, what a sweet blog, i just came across you! i love this though because when i was pregnant i had the same worries! i was totally unprepared for how romantic having our little girl would be though. the whole experience from the hospital through the first few months was so sweet for my husband and i. if you have grandparents or a good sitter nearby use them regularly and don’t overthink all the stuff that makes you feel guilty for going out without the babe.
Oh wow, I love this! Having a baby equals romance… what an amazing perspective, but I can totally see how that would be true, when I think about how excited I am in to share this new adventure with my husband. We’re so lucky to have both sets of grandparents close to us, meaning that date nights will NOT have to become a thing of the past!
Hi Camille,
over on the blog Not Without Salt she occasionally writes a “Dating my Husband”. Her writing and photographs are beautiful and would fit your aesthetic nicely. It’s also a very sweet idea that I think you would appreciate.
Here is a link to my favorite: http://notwithoutsalt.com/2011/11/20/dating-my-husband-how-to/#more-3268
All the best,
Katie
Hi Camille,
You are right to be concerned! it’s not easy. But here are a few things I’ve learned (we have 2 kids, 16 mos apart, oldest is nearly 2.5 yrs).
1. Don’t be a martyr or strive for perfection. Realize now you will no longer be in full control of your life, give yourself a break, and learn how to prioritize. Don’t feel like spending those precious naptimes washing bottles? Buy enough bottles so you don’t have to ever wash one (and run the dishwasher every night instead). Breastfeed as long as it works for both of you and quit when you feel the time’s right. Feed bottles at room temp and even straight from the fridge. Forget warming them up – not worth the time and stress! Increase the housekeeper’s hours (or get one) – if you can afford to. The baby will never know who was cleaning the toilets and floors. And the list goes on.
2. Have sex even when you don’t feel like it. The longer you go without, the harder it is to get back to where you were and the more you do it the more you’ll want it right?! It may be 5 mos before you feel attractive again and 9 mos before you feel ‘back to normal’ but your partner won’t see it that way. Just don’t expect much foreplay
3. Take time for yourself and for the baby. You will be surprised at how much you love the baby and how you feel you love it even more than your partner (in a different way) and separation is really hard with the first one but you will later realize there were so many times you could have not been there and it would have been totally fine!
All the very best of luck. The bottom line is, if you have a solid relationship before you will very likely get through parenthood with ease relative to the majority because let’s face it…most people marry the wrong person!
So much great advice here (I totally agree with “approach new mom groups with caution”) but I thought I would add some things I hadn’t yet seen.
1. Keep your friends who aren’t moms and make that as much of a priority as you can. It will help you talk about things other than your baby (shoes, the lake, new restaurants, dating) and you have fresh topics to bring home to your husband (because you will spend a lot of time talking about the baby. And his life, since his work life hasn’t changed.)
2. Exercise together. It’s fun, healthy, and the best thing you can do for your child is to stay healthy. (Cooking together, farmer’s market together – healthy things for the family have been great for us.)
3. We agree that the best thing we do together is volunteer. We want our children to realize that the world is bigger than their Central Austin upbringing and we can’t get that across better than by serving others. It’s great for us to have that humbling act of service together and we hope we are instilling that in our children and building in them an appreciation of their good fortune.
I am sure so many of your thoughtful readers have covered the basics here since I am late to the party, but I still felt it was important to chime in. My first piece of advice? Make a deal that the first three months are “don’t get offended” territory. You will both be so exhausted and stressed and emotional, you need to call it what it is and know you will get past it, together. Second, it sounds so cliché, but I really think talking as much as you can during the pregnancy helps. Tell him what you’re nervous about, how you want to discipline, how you don’t, etc. And then when you’re in the moment, try to remember those talks. Finally, while alone time is great for sure, our happiest moments are actually marveling at our kids together…with a glass of wine in hand, of course
Hi Camille!
So happy you wrote about this! I’m 14 weeks pregnant and this has been on my mind as well… how to not lose the connection between the two of us after the baby arrives. Love reading all the comments and feel they will be super helpful for me too!
I have also been thinking a lot about how to not lose myself and my creative career goals, as well. Any advice or thoughts on that for yourself?
Thanks!
Agreed – these reader comments are incredible tidbits of wisdom for preggers like us. Would love to hear what other readers think about the career issue, too!
As for me, definitely something that I’ve given lots of thought to. I think that we have to (1) accept the fact that some of our goals and priorities WILL change with baby, but (2) know that we are still the same smart, driven creative woman and that we have to find time to exercise that side of ourselves or else we’ll end up resenting one of life’s best changes. Haven’t figured out exactly how to do it yet, but hoping we’ll learn with practice… ?
First item to accept – it is NOT all about you and hubby now. You decided to bring a new life into the world, and things will change. Of course, you still are there for each other, but things will be different. If you can not accept that things will be different – well, then, you are in for a long road.
I have 2 adorable, healthy little girls born 22 months apart – and yes – life is absolutely & 100% different now. They need feedings, bottles, diapers changes, naps, etc. Refusing to accept that anything will be different is just plain selfish.
Honestly, in the “hindsight is 20/20″ – one is a joke.
Pardon – accidentally hit enter key.
Now 2 kids under 3 – that changed things a lot.
You have to accept that:
1. YOU made this life decision
2. THINGS – I.E. YOUR SOCIAL LIFE – will not be the same
3. You have an NEW LIFE – that is, and should be, your main concern & responsibility. It is no longer just abou tyou.
I’m not sure I agree with this comment. I don’t think you need to be a martyr about having a baby. It’s not “not about you anymore” it’s about you, your husband, and your baby. I think one of the biggest mistakes someone can make for their relationship is becoming all about baby, all the time. Your marriage is of the upmost importance, along with taking care of your child. It’s important to make time for both. Dates with each other, getting out with friends, and spending new and wonderful times with your baby together. There’s no need to think “oh boy, my social life will never be the same! omg!”. There has to be a good balance, otherwise you’re putting too much pressure and strain on your relationship, and I can’t see that being good for your child either!
A lot of great comments above from people with great ideas for keeping your relationship healthy!
Camille (and all),
(on work, creativity and kids)
I was happily surprised that my “creativity” increased with the arrival of my first and then blew up with the second. I did change the way that I work, but my productivity increased because of it. I am now pleased, amused and often informed by the filter of my little ones’ eyes and experiences. And my work is augmented by them and by family life – though obviously not every minute!
An older mom, now grandmother, told me when I was first pregnant that I would never be unhappy raising children unless I insisted on paddling against the river that is their life. This does not mean do everything they insist, but rather, find solutions that allow you to all float (as much as possible) with the current. I have found this to be true and very helpful. When I feel overwhelmed or frustrated, I adjust my thinking and then maybe my behavior or operations (depending).
That being said, I do find in this era a move to parenting wherein the grownups are ruled by their children. And certainly every aspect of rearing is under the microscope. Definitely read the literature and ask for advice, but lead with your heart and from the core of your family, its goals and its values.
You get no awards for putting only organic cotton diapers on your babies bottoms, for preparing all the food all the time, or for never letting sugar pass their tender lips. But you do for enjoying the moment, laughing your way through it and maybe for seeing them delight in donuts once in a blue moon (kills me, but…). Remember, grain of salt with all; babies have been thriving for centuries and never more comfortably (dare I say “coddled”?) than now.
You are not alone (by way of your association with the father of your children, all the mothers in the world and now your child) and never will you be again!!!!! These little monsters seep into every pore of your being and it’s wonderful, many times trying and it’s FOREVER no matter what.
Welcome to the rodeo!
Katherine
Hi Camille!
I am about to give birth to boy/girl twins in less than 2 weeks and I am still in the mode of reading, reading, reading to learn everything I can about this life-changing experience. I remembered that you posted on this very important topic before I was pregnant, and I’m excited to know that your post and the associated comments are still here for me to read. Thank you so much for covering this topic! There’s SO much great information here and I’m certain I’ll be referring back to it even after the babies arrive. I hope you’re loving life with little Phoebe!