Mic drop: No one is having as much sex as you think they are. Yes, even that couple who posts thirst traps from their Euro summer. While we live in a world where open conversations about sex are increasingly normalized, this can also bring up a new kind of pressure—the kind that makes you wonder if your sex life is “enough” unless it meets a certain quota.
But here’s the truth: Healthy intimacy in relationships doesn’t follow a formula. There’s no universal timeline, frequency, or checklist. And the more we compare our experience to someone else’s, the further we drift from honoring our own unique needs and vision for life. With that in mind, let’s release the expectations and talk about what real, feel-good intimacy looks like.
There’s No One-Size-Fits-All
Intimacy is deeply personal. And it evolves with time, circumstances, and stage of life. For some couples, a high-frequency, spontaneous sex life is energizing and bonding. For others, a slower, more emotionally grounded approach—one that sometimes looks like weeks without physical intimacy—is what feels nourishing. What matters most is that both partners feel seen, safe, and connected in whatever rhythm works for them.
Different Rhythms, Same Connection
One of my friends—who has been married for almost a decade—shared that after having kids, her and her husband’s definition of intimacy shifted completely (I resonate, fully). “Sometimes it’s a quick kiss in the kitchen or a long hug after the kids go to bed. Some seasons are more sexual than others, but we’ve learned that closeness doesn’t have to mean sex every time.”
Compare that to another couple I know, who have a standing “intimacy night” every Friday. He told me they love structure and including it in their weekly rhythm helps them stay connected. Different approaches, same goal: connection.
Why Comparison is So Tempting—and So Misleading
Thanks to social media, we’re constantly getting glimpses (curated ones, at that!) into other people’s relationships. We hear anecdotes on podcasts, read blog comments, and talk with friends over dinner about what’s working for them. Encouragement aside, they can also spark insecurity. Wait, they’re doing what every week? In other words, it’s easy to internalize someone else’s habits as the gold standard. But behind every anecdote is a backstory—and a complex dynamic you’re not seeing. Maybe that couple with a seemingly active sex life is in therapy working through emotional distance. Maybe the couple who doesn’t talk about their sex life at all is perfectly happy with theirs. The point? You never have the full picture.
Define Intimacy on Your Own Terms
There’s power in defining what intimacy means to you. That might mean shifting the conversation from “how often” to “how meaningful.” From “are we doing it enough?” to “do we feel close and connected in the ways that matter most?” For some couples, healthy intimacy looks like a steady sexual rhythm. For others, it’s found in emotional safety, physical affection without expectation, shared humor, or even vulnerability in hard conversations. Sexual connection can be a beautiful part of a relationship, but it’s not the only indicator of health—and it’s certainly not the only form of intimacy.
As therapist and sex educator Vanessa Marin says, “Your sex life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. The most important question is: does it feel good and fulfilling to you and your partner?”
What to Focus on Instead
If you’re finding yourself caught in comparison, try anchoring to these questions instead:
- Do I feel safe, respected, and desired in my relationship?
- Can I openly talk to my partner about our needs and preferences?
- Are we both interested in cultivating connection, even if we go through dry spells?
- Does our version of intimacy feel like a choice, not a chore?
These are the markers of healthy intimacy in relationships—not how many times a week you’re having sex, or how your dynamic stacks up against someone else’s.
5 Signs of Healthy Intimacy in Relationships
Healthy intimacy goes way beyond physical closeness. It’s about feeling truly connected and supported by your partner in everyday life. Here are five signs you’re building that kind of intimacy—plus what it actually looks like day-to-day:
1. Open and Honest Communication
You can talk about anything. Whether it’s your hopes, fears, or even something awkward like what you do and don’t enjoy in bed—without walking on eggshells. For example, maybe you share how your day went, or you ask your partner how they really feel about a tough decision, knowing they’ll listen without judgment.
2. Mutual Respect and Boundaries
You both understand and respect each other’s limits. Say your partner isn’t in the mood for sex tonight—that’s totally okay, and you don’t pressure them. Or maybe you have different needs for alone time, and you honor that without taking it personally.
3. Emotional Vulnerability
You feel comfortable showing your raw, unfiltered self—even the messy parts. Maybe you admit when you’re stressed instead of bottling it up, and your partner responds with kindness, not frustration. This kind of openness makes you feel closer and safer.
4. Physical Affection Beyond Sex
Intimacy is in the little touches: holding hands while walking, a quick hug hello or goodbye, or curling up together on the couch. These moments help you feel connected even when you’re not “doing anything special.”
5. Shared Joy and Support
You celebrate the wins, together. Big or small. Maybe you cheer each other on for a work promotion or simply enjoy laughing at a silly joke. When one of you is down, the other offers comfort—a warm cup of tea, a listening ear, or a reassuring touch. You’re a team, through highs and lows.
A Gentle Reminder
No one is handing out gold stars for relationship performance. The healthiest relationships aren’t necessarily the loudest or the most Instagrammable. They’re the ones grounded in mutual understanding, evolving with the seasons of life, and built on communication that feels safe and real. So if your intimacy looks different than your best friend’s, your sister’s, or that couple on TikTok? That’s not just okay—it’s entirely normal. Trust what works for you.
